SACRED MATTERS

Lens of the Sacred. Sacred is defined as the “parts of human experience that are sufficiently awe-inspiring to a degree that they transform the mundane, normal, routine aspects of life into sacrosanct, holy, and meaningful. This transformation changes thinking and feeling of individuals and brings a degree of reverence, adoration, and deep meaning to life” (Burr, Marks, & Day, 2012, page 10). Understanding this principle is powerful in understanding people. If you can recognize when something (a point of view, a topic, a ritual, a relationship, etc.) is sacred to someone, you can understand why he or she acts or reacts so strongly in relation to the thing they see as sacred. Furthermore, “the sacred elements of family life” are often catalysts that inspire true and positive change in the hearts and thoughts of individuals and couples; these sacred or spiritual outlooks on life can “transform the thinking and feeling of individuals from ordinary, mundane, and routine into what is perceived as holy, hallowed, and sacrosanct” (Acock & Day, 2013, page 165). When a spouse views something sacred and that belief is challenged or circumstance is jeopardized, it is important to remember that it will be more intense emotionally for him or her because he or she views it as sacred.

Bad is stronger than good. Baumeister et al. (2001) have proven the concept that bad or negative events have a more lasting impact on individuals and families than good or positive ones. For example, John Gottman, the acclaimed author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, said, “in order for a relationship to succeed, positive and good interactions must outnumber the negative and bad ones by at least five to one. If the ratio falls below that, the relationship is likely to fail and breakup” (as cited in Baumeister et al., 2001 paragraph #35). Baumeister’s (2001) study concludes that bad events are so much stronger than good ones that the good must outnumber the bad in order to have a lasting, positive effect on the relationship. For example, daily good interactions between spouses merely maintain the status quo, but if one spouse is unfaithful or something less severe but still negative, that single bad event becomes a catalyst for endless problems, pain, and damage. The damaging effects of one bad occurrence will be farther-reaching than the simple good interactions and events of normal living. This principle is important to understand for a few reasons. First, couples should consciously choose to input positive, good, building interactions into their relationship regularly and randomly, thus making their relationship more resilient against negative events that will assail their marriage. Also, couples that know this principle should recognize that making amends or fixing the bad quickly is vital so that the bad doesn’t overpower or outnumber the good in their relationship.

see references in earlier post