New ways to strengthen your family!

Last semester I took the most amazing class at BYU. Dr. Randal Day lead us in soul searching discussions about important topics that make or break families. The next 8 posts or so are the things I've learned.

I would love to sit down with you and talk together about any of these principles. I have learned so much, and I am sure I can learn from you too. I think discussing how to apply these principles in our own lives helps too.

Here are the references I used:

REFERENCES

Acock, Alan & Day, Randal D. (2013). Marital Well-Being and Religiousness as Mediated by Relational Virtue and Equality. Journal of Marriage and Family 75:164-177

Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Finkenauer, C., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Bad is stronger than good. Review Of General Psychology, 5(4), 323-370

Barber, Brian K., & Buehler, Cheryl. (1996). Family cohesion and enmeshment: Different constructs, different effects. Journal of Marriage and Family, 58(2), 433-441.

Bartle-Haring, S., Younkin, F. L., & Day, R. D. (2012). Family distance regulation and school engagement in middle-school-aged children. Family Relations, 61, 192-206.

Burr, W., Marks, L., & Day, R. (2012). Sacred Matters: Religion and Spirituality in Families. New York, NY: Taylor and Francis Group, LLC

Eldridge, K. A., Sevier, M., Jones, J., Atkins, D. C., & Christensen, A. (2007). Demand-withdraw communication in severely distressed, moderately distressed, and nondistressed couples: Rigidity and polarity during relationship and personal problem discussions. Journal Of Family Psychology, 21(2), 218-226.

El-Sheikh, M., & Erath, S. A. (2011). Family conflict, autonomic nervous system functioning, and child adaptation: State of the science and future directions. Development and Psychopathology, 23(2), 703-721.

Fiese, B. H., & Tomcho, T. J. (2001). Finding meaning in religious practices: The relation between religious holiday rituals and marital satisfaction. Journal Of Family Psychology, 15(4), 597-609.

Gordon, K., Hughes, F. M., Tomcik, N. D., Dixon, L. J., & Litzinger, S. C. (2009). Widening spheres of impact: The role of forgiveness in marital and family functioning. Journal Of Family Psychology, 23(1), 1-13.

Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 103(2), 257-274.

Marks, L. D. (2004). Sacred practices in highly religious families: Christian, Jewish, Mormon, and Muslim perspectives. Family Process, 43(2), 217-231. 

McCullough, M. E., Emmons, R. A., & Tsang, J. (2002). The grateful disposition: A conceptual and empirical topography. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 82(1), 112-127.

Papp, L. M., Kouros, C. D., & Cummings, E. (2009). Demand-withdraw patterns in marital conflict in the home. Personal Relationships, 16(2), 285-300.

Porges, S. W. (2011). Neuroception: A subconscious system for detecting threat and safety. The Polyvagal Theory (pp. 11-19). New York: W.W. Norton & Company.

Stanley, S. M., Whitton, S. W., Sadberry, S., Clements, M. L., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sacrifice as a Predictor of Marital Outcomes. Family Process, 45(3), 289-303.

DISTANCE REGULATION

Cohesion. Cohesion is all about healthy families and positive, supportive interaction. Barber, Brian, & Buehler (2001) describe family cohesion as “shared affection, support, helpfulness, and caring among family members” (Barber et al., 2001, paragraph #2). When couples have an abundance of these positive characteristics in their marriages, they are more satisfied with their relationship and have healthy family functioning, like meeting goals and avoiding conflict. Cohesion does not mean fusion or loss of individuality. “For effective family functioning, it is believed that distance regulation needs to provide experiences of both intimacy and individuality” (Bartle-Haring, Younkin & Day 2012, page 2). In table 1 you can see the positive correlation between healthy relationships and high cohesion.

Enmeshment. Enmeshment is not just extreme cohesion, it is a measure of completely different characteristics of relationships. Table 1 also shows the negative correlation between enmeshment and healthy family functioning. Barber et al. (2001) describe enmeshment as “family patterns that facilitate psychological and emotional fusion among family members, potentially inhibiting the individuation process and the development and maintenance of psychosocial maturity” (page 1). In other words, enmeshment is coercion, control, constraint, manipulation, intrusion, and fusion. It is too much involvement and forbiddance of individuation or open communication. This lack of boundaries is harmful because family members will internalize or externalize this unhealthy interaction which often transforms into problematic behaviors like aggression or depression.

RITUALS IN FAMILY LIFE

Religiosity helps. Fiese and Tomcho (2001) hypothesized that religiosity increases marital satisfaction not because of the rituals themselves, but because of the meaning and connection the context of the rituals provides. Their excellent study concluded, “that religion is related to marital satisfaction through the meaning created in shared rituals” (Fiese et al., 2001). Empty rituals, or going through the motions, wouldn’t increase marital satisfaction because it would be void of meaning and lack connection, which is a very different scenario than a couple engaged in a ritual that is meaningful to both of them  and increase unity as they share in the ritual. 

Rituals defined. Fiese et al. (2001) defined rituals repetitive patterned interactions that are shared by two or more individuals and that have special meaning to the participants.” Examples of rituals might be having breakfast for dinner every Christmas Eve with the whole family or reading the New Testament together every Easter.  Rituals could also include couple prayer before bed every night or attending church every Sunday as a family.

The more meaning that is attached to the ritual, the higher the benefits related to marital satisfaction (Fiese et al., 2001).  Proximal variables are the actual activities themselves like family scripture study or church attendance. These activities are more closely correlated to positive benefits. Distal variables are more removed, like influence from rituals in each spouse’s family of origin. These distal variables still have an effect on the amount of meaning in rituals, but less so than current practices. In the Marks (2004) article, he discussed the results of interviews about meaning in religious practices in families. He gave some background statistics about how prominent religion is in American homes. He cites that religious beleifs, practices, and community have been correlated with “higher marital quality, stability, and satisfaction”(Marks, 2004). He also cites research hat says “religious activity may contribute to intimacy and commitment in marriage.)” The point of Marks’ article is to explore the reasons behind these correlations.

Rituals with meaning. Fiese & Tomcho (2001) described how rituals have two components: routines and meaning. The routine is the repeated action or roles consistently kept, and meaning can range from expectations for attendance, level of importance, symbolism, and “commitment to continue into the future and to the next generation” (Fiese et al., 2001). Fiese et al. (2001) explain that meaningful rituals, like a couple praying together, will only increase marital satisfaction and other positive affect, like a couple staying together if they have three key elements:

“affirmation of relationship.” This means important members of the family must be accounted for and participate together; it helps members feel valued and needed.

“connection of behaviors and values.” This aspect connects to the every day living aspect of rituals, like adding meaning to family values.

“the symbolic aspect.” This aspect obviously includes the symbols associated with the ritual, especially religious symbols. Christmas dinner, for example, would be special because it is tied to the birth of the Savior. 

Benefits. The most interesting part of Marks’ (2004) research was the list of why couples engage in religious rituals. Some thing include to teach their children their faith, to encourage family unity and order, to build connection and history, to better handle stress and tribulation, to encourage kindness, gratitude and other virtues, and to connect to God. Couples also reported many benefits: repose, regular schedule, high quality of life, stronger marriage, and peace (Marks, 2004). Other results Marks (2004) reported were being consistent in practice with things parents teach their children. It makes sense that this result would strengthen families, because it fosters trust and reliability in parent-child and spousal relationships. Some participants reported that they participated in religious activities just to be together. The families reported that rituals usually had deep meaning that would sort of ground them in life.

see earlier post for references

SACRIFICE AND COMMITMENT

Definitions. Sacrifice is foregoing personal interest for the sake of relationship (Stanley, Whitton, Sadberry, Clements, and Markman, 2006). The Latin root of the word sacrifice helps define the word further: “Sacer means holy, consecrated, sacred, or dedicated to divinity… facere means making, taking action, composing, or creating… sacrificium… then is to make something sacred or holy” (Burr et al., 2012, p. 11).  This definition is a little bit different than altruism, which is selfless consideration for the welfare of others. Usually sacrifice and altruism go hand in hand, but sacrifice emphasizing making a simple action sacred, not only foregoing with altruistic intentions.

Secular sacrifice and needs. In today’s economy-based society, people often view sacrifice as an exchange. If a spouse’s first priority is self-interest, he or she will expect something in return for foregoing personal needs. Adopting an “I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine” attitude will not yield as many positive results in marriage as altruistic sacrifice. While couples should seek to sacrifice selflessly, they need to realize that it is ok to have personal needs and to expect your spouse to meet them. Altruistic sacrifice is something you do because the relationship is sacred to you, not because you ignore your own needs.

Positive outcomes of sacrifice. Every time a spouse sacrifices for the relationship, it is like making a deposit in a bank account. Eventually that relationship will be rich with positive marital outcomes. Burr et al. (2012) enumerates that frequent sacrifice creates a safe atmosphere of trust between spouses brings satisfaction and commitment. Even in cases of one-sided giving, there is often an internal reward- not our motivation, but a good reward from heaven- build relationship with self- becoming a better person and that is satisfactory.

Transformative effect. Burr et al. (2012) point out that when one partner sacrifices, he or she communicates powerful symbols of love, selflessness, reliability, and devotion. When a partner is the recipient of sacrifice, they see devotion from their partner, and are inclined to reciprocate, which will increase devotion, which will increase sacrifice. This creates a positive cycle full of marital satisfaction. Additionally, the more an individual sacrifices for the relationship, the less concerned he becomes about himself, and the more invested and committed he is in the relationship. The more committed one feels in a relationship, the more likely he is to sacrifice.

I also want to testify that as we sacrifice for the good of our families we will come closer to our Savior who sacrificed for us. 

see references in earlier post

GRATITUDE

Attributional theory. McCullough, Emmons, and Tsang (2002) define gratitude a attributing one’s happiness to someone or something else, other than one’s self. They also discuss how gratitude can be part of a person’s disposition or it can be learned like a skill. Some people attribute their good fortune to God. Attributing happiness to God or to your spouse yields similar positive results.

Improved well being in marriage. The research on gratitude is clear, the more one feels and expresses gratitude, the higher his sense of well being and happiness. Gordon (2012) studied the positives aspects of gratitude to marriage and reported that closeness and satisfaction increase, normal relationship challenges are lessened or softened, and trust and care is built.  McCullough et al. (2002) point out that when couples express sincere gratitude they also report positive effects in all aspects of life including emotional, social, relational, and spiritual life. Their studies show that people who are grateful also have high levels of happiness, vitality, optimism, hope, and satisfaction. Making a conscious effort to feel and express gratitude will bring many of these positive emotions into a marriage, which will increase marital satisfaction and also fortify couples against hard times.

Beware of self-serving gratitude. Expressing gratitude must be altruistic to have the positive effects. If, for example, a wife only ever expresses gratitude with the intent of getting her husband to do something in return, the husband would feel used and the wife wouldn’t feel satisfied. While its true that often gratitude elicits reciprocation of service or gratitude, if that is one’s motivation for being grateful, he or she wont experience the positive results of true gratitude.

How to become more grateful. Couples can try keeping a grateful journal where they write down a list of 10 things they are thankful for every day, or they can tell each other why they were grateful for each other that day every night before bed. They might also try saying gratitude prayers to God, or writing thank you notes spontaneously.

see references in earlier post

FORGIVENESS IN FAMILY LIFE

FORGIVENESS IN FAMILY LIFE

In marriage and family life, everyone will make mistakes and at some point spouses will do something that hurts the other in some way. Understanding the concept of forgiveness, how it works, why it helps, and its outcomes can help couples fortify their marriages against irreconcilable differences that lead to divorce. Forgiveness for day-to-day offences is simple for most healthy couples, especially when issues are attended promptly. Practicing forgiveness regularly will fortify against relationship dissolution.

What forgiveness is. Burr et al. (2012) defines forgiveness as a transformative event that changes people’s thinking, emotion, and intrinsic motivation. When one partner is hurt, he or she experiences many negative emotions, thoughts, and desires to inflict reciprocal pain. Forgiveness can exchange all these negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors with positive ones. Gordon, Hughes, Tomcik, Dixon, & Litzinger (2009) describe forgiveness as a 3-part model:

1)    Regaining a more balanced and compassionate view of the offender and the event

2)    Decreasing negative affect towards and avoidance of the offender

3)    Giving up the right to seek revenge or lash out toward the offender

We could also add to that list replacing negative thoughts and feelings about the person with kind and positive thoughts instead.

Forgiveness as a process. Forgiveness is not one simple event, or even a series of events, it takes time for the transformation to occur. Burr et al. (2012) point out that any steps of forgiveness, whether you accept Gordon’s (2009) model or look to religious direction, have no order and often overlap during the forgiveness process. Forgiving against a small or large offence begins when the offended says “I forgive you.” That statement usually indicates that hurt partner has chosen to forgive and is trying to replace those negative thoughts and feelings with positive ones; it does not indicate that all negativity has been completely replaced with positive affect. This process takes time. because of its transformative nature, true, deep, healing forgiveness can not happen instantaneously. Additionally, forgiveness is not an individual process, but rather a family process. Because actions of one person affect others around him or her, the effects of the offence and of the forgiveness also affect more than one party. Psychologists often teach their clients that forgiveness is a personal process that one can accomplish internally. Family studies research suggests that it is a relational process too.

Positive long-term benefits of forgiveness. Some positive outcomes of consistent forgiveness between marriage partners includes effective conflict management, trust (Gordon, 2009) and also marital satisfaction, healing, reciprocal forgiving, health, good communication, empathy, increased intimacy, and reaching family goals (Burr et al., 2012). Additionally, if forgiveness is viewed by couples as something sacred, spouses’ motivation is stronger, forgiveness is a priority, and it is easier to forgive than couples who do not view forgiveness through a sacred lens. Sacred forgiving also leads to quicker and more complete forgiveness, a deeper sense of peace (Burr et al., 2012). Keep in mind that this process can be practiced and applied for small offenses and can still have the same positive results.

Beware of the Humpty Dumpty principle. As some people try to forgive, they expect things to go back to the way things where before the incident.  Remember the nursery rhyme? Things will never be the same again. In order to truly forgive, the notion that things can be “put back together” must be abandoned. Forgiveness is about moving forward and creating a new kind a relationship, hopefully a healthier, happy, stronger one.,. It is also good to be forewarned that life often carries unexpected hurts that we must learn to forgive in order to heal. It is worthwhile to be informed about how the forgiveness process works during level 3 crises that shake the foundations of self-identity and belief. Examples of level 3 crises are infidelity, abuse, addictions, death, divorce, etc. When something this traumatic and betraying happens, the pain and hurt is as deep as the newlywed bliss was. This includes physical reactions, not only emotional or social, because the sympathetic nervous system is in hyper drive (elevated heart rate, cortisol, fast breathing, heightened alertness etc.). Because hurt can go so deep, forgiveness has to be equally as deep. This necessity for depth appeals to our visceral nature—the internal feelings, not only the intellect. Forgiveness is hard work, but the positive outcomes are well worth it. as some people try to forgive, they expect things to go back to the way things where before the incident.  Remember the nursery rhyme? Things will never be the same again. In order to truly forgive, the notion that things can be “put back together” must be abandoned. Forgiveness is about moving forward and creating a new kind a relationship, hopefully a healthier, happy, stronger one.

see references in earlier post