FORGIVENESS IN FAMILY LIFE

FORGIVENESS IN FAMILY LIFE

In marriage and family life, everyone will make mistakes and at some point spouses will do something that hurts the other in some way. Understanding the concept of forgiveness, how it works, why it helps, and its outcomes can help couples fortify their marriages against irreconcilable differences that lead to divorce. Forgiveness for day-to-day offences is simple for most healthy couples, especially when issues are attended promptly. Practicing forgiveness regularly will fortify against relationship dissolution.

What forgiveness is. Burr et al. (2012) defines forgiveness as a transformative event that changes people’s thinking, emotion, and intrinsic motivation. When one partner is hurt, he or she experiences many negative emotions, thoughts, and desires to inflict reciprocal pain. Forgiveness can exchange all these negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors with positive ones. Gordon, Hughes, Tomcik, Dixon, & Litzinger (2009) describe forgiveness as a 3-part model:

1)    Regaining a more balanced and compassionate view of the offender and the event

2)    Decreasing negative affect towards and avoidance of the offender

3)    Giving up the right to seek revenge or lash out toward the offender

We could also add to that list replacing negative thoughts and feelings about the person with kind and positive thoughts instead.

Forgiveness as a process. Forgiveness is not one simple event, or even a series of events, it takes time for the transformation to occur. Burr et al. (2012) point out that any steps of forgiveness, whether you accept Gordon’s (2009) model or look to religious direction, have no order and often overlap during the forgiveness process. Forgiving against a small or large offence begins when the offended says “I forgive you.” That statement usually indicates that hurt partner has chosen to forgive and is trying to replace those negative thoughts and feelings with positive ones; it does not indicate that all negativity has been completely replaced with positive affect. This process takes time. because of its transformative nature, true, deep, healing forgiveness can not happen instantaneously. Additionally, forgiveness is not an individual process, but rather a family process. Because actions of one person affect others around him or her, the effects of the offence and of the forgiveness also affect more than one party. Psychologists often teach their clients that forgiveness is a personal process that one can accomplish internally. Family studies research suggests that it is a relational process too.

Positive long-term benefits of forgiveness. Some positive outcomes of consistent forgiveness between marriage partners includes effective conflict management, trust (Gordon, 2009) and also marital satisfaction, healing, reciprocal forgiving, health, good communication, empathy, increased intimacy, and reaching family goals (Burr et al., 2012). Additionally, if forgiveness is viewed by couples as something sacred, spouses’ motivation is stronger, forgiveness is a priority, and it is easier to forgive than couples who do not view forgiveness through a sacred lens. Sacred forgiving also leads to quicker and more complete forgiveness, a deeper sense of peace (Burr et al., 2012). Keep in mind that this process can be practiced and applied for small offenses and can still have the same positive results.

Beware of the Humpty Dumpty principle. As some people try to forgive, they expect things to go back to the way things where before the incident.  Remember the nursery rhyme? Things will never be the same again. In order to truly forgive, the notion that things can be “put back together” must be abandoned. Forgiveness is about moving forward and creating a new kind a relationship, hopefully a healthier, happy, stronger one.,. It is also good to be forewarned that life often carries unexpected hurts that we must learn to forgive in order to heal. It is worthwhile to be informed about how the forgiveness process works during level 3 crises that shake the foundations of self-identity and belief. Examples of level 3 crises are infidelity, abuse, addictions, death, divorce, etc. When something this traumatic and betraying happens, the pain and hurt is as deep as the newlywed bliss was. This includes physical reactions, not only emotional or social, because the sympathetic nervous system is in hyper drive (elevated heart rate, cortisol, fast breathing, heightened alertness etc.). Because hurt can go so deep, forgiveness has to be equally as deep. This necessity for depth appeals to our visceral nature—the internal feelings, not only the intellect. Forgiveness is hard work, but the positive outcomes are well worth it. as some people try to forgive, they expect things to go back to the way things where before the incident.  Remember the nursery rhyme? Things will never be the same again. In order to truly forgive, the notion that things can be “put back together” must be abandoned. Forgiveness is about moving forward and creating a new kind a relationship, hopefully a healthier, happy, stronger one.

see references in earlier post