GRATITUDE

Attributional theory. McCullough, Emmons, and Tsang (2002) define gratitude a attributing one’s happiness to someone or something else, other than one’s self. They also discuss how gratitude can be part of a person’s disposition or it can be learned like a skill. Some people attribute their good fortune to God. Attributing happiness to God or to your spouse yields similar positive results.

Improved well being in marriage. The research on gratitude is clear, the more one feels and expresses gratitude, the higher his sense of well being and happiness. Gordon (2012) studied the positives aspects of gratitude to marriage and reported that closeness and satisfaction increase, normal relationship challenges are lessened or softened, and trust and care is built.  McCullough et al. (2002) point out that when couples express sincere gratitude they also report positive effects in all aspects of life including emotional, social, relational, and spiritual life. Their studies show that people who are grateful also have high levels of happiness, vitality, optimism, hope, and satisfaction. Making a conscious effort to feel and express gratitude will bring many of these positive emotions into a marriage, which will increase marital satisfaction and also fortify couples against hard times.

Beware of self-serving gratitude. Expressing gratitude must be altruistic to have the positive effects. If, for example, a wife only ever expresses gratitude with the intent of getting her husband to do something in return, the husband would feel used and the wife wouldn’t feel satisfied. While its true that often gratitude elicits reciprocation of service or gratitude, if that is one’s motivation for being grateful, he or she wont experience the positive results of true gratitude.

How to become more grateful. Couples can try keeping a grateful journal where they write down a list of 10 things they are thankful for every day, or they can tell each other why they were grateful for each other that day every night before bed. They might also try saying gratitude prayers to God, or writing thank you notes spontaneously.

see references in earlier post