DEMAND-WITHDRAW CYCLE

In every marriage there are adjustments and changes to be made all the time, but the way a couple approaches and handles these conversations about change can greatly help or hinder the success of the marriage. Being aware of the destructive pattern of demand and withdraw will help couples avoid this dysfunctional pitfall.

The pattern. Papp, Kouros, and Cummings (2009) and Eldridge, Sevier, Jones, Atkins, & Christensen (2007) describe the roles partners assume in this cycle The demand-withdraw cycle occurs in marriage relationships when one partner (the demander) seeks to discuss, change, or resolve and issue and the other partner (the withdrawer) seeks to avoid or end discussion of the issue. Generally the partner with the most interest in the change (the demander) has greater interest in the relationship, but at the same time holds the least amount of power or influence over relationship dynamics. The withdrawer, who is ok with the status quo, has more power in the relationship because they have less to loose. This fact alone shows that the demand-withdraw cycle is unhealthy because it undermines equal partnership, this cycle is essentially a power struggle between spouses.

Gender. While either husband or wife can play the role of withdrawer or demander, Eldridge et al. (2007) argues that women are more often demanders and men the withdrawers. This may be due to history’s background of women being powerless, and men seeking power in the home and on the world stage. For example, old terms in England like “nattering” or “fish wife” refer to a highly demanding woman. When men are the demanders, they generally assume the role to change one situation, and then drop the role of demander. When women are demanders, however, it is often habitual.

Negative impacts. The demand-withdraw cycle is like poison to marriages. It undermines unity, love, understanding, kindness, and effective communication. Research by Papp et al. (2009) describes the common negative outcomes of this cycle:

Marital satisfaction decreases

Conflict resolution is less effective

A higher risk for depression

Spouses could become alienated from one another

Couples might live parallel but separate lives

Infidelity

Divorce

Escalation. Additionally, if, when the withdrawer withdraws, the demander just demands harder (raises voice, speaks more quickly, threatens etc.) and the withdrawer will back away even more, and the demander will turn up the heat more, and then both partners will feel flooded (their sympathetic nervous systems, or freeze, fight, or flight responses, will be very active) meaning both partners will have less ability to think straight, stay calm, and fix the problem (low parasympathetic processing). This cycle can spin out of control so quickly. Something important to understand about this cycle is that couples stuck in this pattern usually get caught up on the issue at hand, and they can’t see that this pattern of demand-withdraw happens every time there is an issue, whether it be about how the spaghetti was cooked or the teenager’s curfew. Also, if the demander recognizes the pattern but the withdrawer is still withdrawn, it will be hard for him or her to bring up the problem of being in the cycle without pushing the withdrawer farther away.

How to stop the cycle: The best principle for escaping this destructive pattern is sacrifice. Sacrifice means foregoing personal needs or interests for the benefit of the relationship. It means that each of you cares more about your marriage and its success, than you do about yourself. The demand-withdraw pattern is usually very selfish and the only way it can be stopped is if both partners can be unselfish and lessen their demands, or address the demands of the other in order to make both people happy. To avoid this problem in your marriage do the following things:  

·      Commit today to stop the pattern if either partner notices it and mentions it.

·      Learn the roles of this pattern so you can catch and stop this behavior in yourself and your spouse.

·      Try not to fall into this pattern in the first place by:

o   Talking about issues maturely with kindness

o   Address issues when they are small

o   Engaged listening

o   Seek to understand your spouse

o   Express yourself with clarity

o   Be grateful for each other and the little things you do for each other daily.

·      Be humble enough to yield and repair your relationship if your spouse points out that you two are in the demand-withdraw trap.

·      Get a trusted third party, like a qualified counselor, involved if this negative cycle becomes a part of your marriage.

Understanding, recognizing, and committing to stop this pattern will strengthen and fortify your marriage.

see references in earlier post