FORGIVENESS IN FAMILY LIFE

FORGIVENESS IN FAMILY LIFE

In marriage and family life, everyone will make mistakes and at some point spouses will do something that hurts the other in some way. Understanding the concept of forgiveness, how it works, why it helps, and its outcomes can help couples fortify their marriages against irreconcilable differences that lead to divorce. Forgiveness for day-to-day offences is simple for most healthy couples, especially when issues are attended promptly. Practicing forgiveness regularly will fortify against relationship dissolution.

What forgiveness is. Burr et al. (2012) defines forgiveness as a transformative event that changes people’s thinking, emotion, and intrinsic motivation. When one partner is hurt, he or she experiences many negative emotions, thoughts, and desires to inflict reciprocal pain. Forgiveness can exchange all these negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors with positive ones. Gordon, Hughes, Tomcik, Dixon, & Litzinger (2009) describe forgiveness as a 3-part model:

1)    Regaining a more balanced and compassionate view of the offender and the event

2)    Decreasing negative affect towards and avoidance of the offender

3)    Giving up the right to seek revenge or lash out toward the offender

We could also add to that list replacing negative thoughts and feelings about the person with kind and positive thoughts instead.

Forgiveness as a process. Forgiveness is not one simple event, or even a series of events, it takes time for the transformation to occur. Burr et al. (2012) point out that any steps of forgiveness, whether you accept Gordon’s (2009) model or look to religious direction, have no order and often overlap during the forgiveness process. Forgiving against a small or large offence begins when the offended says “I forgive you.” That statement usually indicates that hurt partner has chosen to forgive and is trying to replace those negative thoughts and feelings with positive ones; it does not indicate that all negativity has been completely replaced with positive affect. This process takes time. because of its transformative nature, true, deep, healing forgiveness can not happen instantaneously. Additionally, forgiveness is not an individual process, but rather a family process. Because actions of one person affect others around him or her, the effects of the offence and of the forgiveness also affect more than one party. Psychologists often teach their clients that forgiveness is a personal process that one can accomplish internally. Family studies research suggests that it is a relational process too.

Positive long-term benefits of forgiveness. Some positive outcomes of consistent forgiveness between marriage partners includes effective conflict management, trust (Gordon, 2009) and also marital satisfaction, healing, reciprocal forgiving, health, good communication, empathy, increased intimacy, and reaching family goals (Burr et al., 2012). Additionally, if forgiveness is viewed by couples as something sacred, spouses’ motivation is stronger, forgiveness is a priority, and it is easier to forgive than couples who do not view forgiveness through a sacred lens. Sacred forgiving also leads to quicker and more complete forgiveness, a deeper sense of peace (Burr et al., 2012). Keep in mind that this process can be practiced and applied for small offenses and can still have the same positive results.

Beware of the Humpty Dumpty principle. As some people try to forgive, they expect things to go back to the way things where before the incident.  Remember the nursery rhyme? Things will never be the same again. In order to truly forgive, the notion that things can be “put back together” must be abandoned. Forgiveness is about moving forward and creating a new kind a relationship, hopefully a healthier, happy, stronger one.,. It is also good to be forewarned that life often carries unexpected hurts that we must learn to forgive in order to heal. It is worthwhile to be informed about how the forgiveness process works during level 3 crises that shake the foundations of self-identity and belief. Examples of level 3 crises are infidelity, abuse, addictions, death, divorce, etc. When something this traumatic and betraying happens, the pain and hurt is as deep as the newlywed bliss was. This includes physical reactions, not only emotional or social, because the sympathetic nervous system is in hyper drive (elevated heart rate, cortisol, fast breathing, heightened alertness etc.). Because hurt can go so deep, forgiveness has to be equally as deep. This necessity for depth appeals to our visceral nature—the internal feelings, not only the intellect. Forgiveness is hard work, but the positive outcomes are well worth it. as some people try to forgive, they expect things to go back to the way things where before the incident.  Remember the nursery rhyme? Things will never be the same again. In order to truly forgive, the notion that things can be “put back together” must be abandoned. Forgiveness is about moving forward and creating a new kind a relationship, hopefully a healthier, happy, stronger one.

see references in earlier post

DEMAND-WITHDRAW CYCLE

In every marriage there are adjustments and changes to be made all the time, but the way a couple approaches and handles these conversations about change can greatly help or hinder the success of the marriage. Being aware of the destructive pattern of demand and withdraw will help couples avoid this dysfunctional pitfall.

The pattern. Papp, Kouros, and Cummings (2009) and Eldridge, Sevier, Jones, Atkins, & Christensen (2007) describe the roles partners assume in this cycle The demand-withdraw cycle occurs in marriage relationships when one partner (the demander) seeks to discuss, change, or resolve and issue and the other partner (the withdrawer) seeks to avoid or end discussion of the issue. Generally the partner with the most interest in the change (the demander) has greater interest in the relationship, but at the same time holds the least amount of power or influence over relationship dynamics. The withdrawer, who is ok with the status quo, has more power in the relationship because they have less to loose. This fact alone shows that the demand-withdraw cycle is unhealthy because it undermines equal partnership, this cycle is essentially a power struggle between spouses.

Gender. While either husband or wife can play the role of withdrawer or demander, Eldridge et al. (2007) argues that women are more often demanders and men the withdrawers. This may be due to history’s background of women being powerless, and men seeking power in the home and on the world stage. For example, old terms in England like “nattering” or “fish wife” refer to a highly demanding woman. When men are the demanders, they generally assume the role to change one situation, and then drop the role of demander. When women are demanders, however, it is often habitual.

Negative impacts. The demand-withdraw cycle is like poison to marriages. It undermines unity, love, understanding, kindness, and effective communication. Research by Papp et al. (2009) describes the common negative outcomes of this cycle:

Marital satisfaction decreases

Conflict resolution is less effective

A higher risk for depression

Spouses could become alienated from one another

Couples might live parallel but separate lives

Infidelity

Divorce

Escalation. Additionally, if, when the withdrawer withdraws, the demander just demands harder (raises voice, speaks more quickly, threatens etc.) and the withdrawer will back away even more, and the demander will turn up the heat more, and then both partners will feel flooded (their sympathetic nervous systems, or freeze, fight, or flight responses, will be very active) meaning both partners will have less ability to think straight, stay calm, and fix the problem (low parasympathetic processing). This cycle can spin out of control so quickly. Something important to understand about this cycle is that couples stuck in this pattern usually get caught up on the issue at hand, and they can’t see that this pattern of demand-withdraw happens every time there is an issue, whether it be about how the spaghetti was cooked or the teenager’s curfew. Also, if the demander recognizes the pattern but the withdrawer is still withdrawn, it will be hard for him or her to bring up the problem of being in the cycle without pushing the withdrawer farther away.

How to stop the cycle: The best principle for escaping this destructive pattern is sacrifice. Sacrifice means foregoing personal needs or interests for the benefit of the relationship. It means that each of you cares more about your marriage and its success, than you do about yourself. The demand-withdraw pattern is usually very selfish and the only way it can be stopped is if both partners can be unselfish and lessen their demands, or address the demands of the other in order to make both people happy. To avoid this problem in your marriage do the following things:  

·      Commit today to stop the pattern if either partner notices it and mentions it.

·      Learn the roles of this pattern so you can catch and stop this behavior in yourself and your spouse.

·      Try not to fall into this pattern in the first place by:

o   Talking about issues maturely with kindness

o   Address issues when they are small

o   Engaged listening

o   Seek to understand your spouse

o   Express yourself with clarity

o   Be grateful for each other and the little things you do for each other daily.

·      Be humble enough to yield and repair your relationship if your spouse points out that you two are in the demand-withdraw trap.

·      Get a trusted third party, like a qualified counselor, involved if this negative cycle becomes a part of your marriage.

Understanding, recognizing, and committing to stop this pattern will strengthen and fortify your marriage.

see references in earlier post

SACRED MATTERS

Lens of the Sacred. Sacred is defined as the “parts of human experience that are sufficiently awe-inspiring to a degree that they transform the mundane, normal, routine aspects of life into sacrosanct, holy, and meaningful. This transformation changes thinking and feeling of individuals and brings a degree of reverence, adoration, and deep meaning to life” (Burr, Marks, & Day, 2012, page 10). Understanding this principle is powerful in understanding people. If you can recognize when something (a point of view, a topic, a ritual, a relationship, etc.) is sacred to someone, you can understand why he or she acts or reacts so strongly in relation to the thing they see as sacred. Furthermore, “the sacred elements of family life” are often catalysts that inspire true and positive change in the hearts and thoughts of individuals and couples; these sacred or spiritual outlooks on life can “transform the thinking and feeling of individuals from ordinary, mundane, and routine into what is perceived as holy, hallowed, and sacrosanct” (Acock & Day, 2013, page 165). When a spouse views something sacred and that belief is challenged or circumstance is jeopardized, it is important to remember that it will be more intense emotionally for him or her because he or she views it as sacred.

Bad is stronger than good. Baumeister et al. (2001) have proven the concept that bad or negative events have a more lasting impact on individuals and families than good or positive ones. For example, John Gottman, the acclaimed author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, said, “in order for a relationship to succeed, positive and good interactions must outnumber the negative and bad ones by at least five to one. If the ratio falls below that, the relationship is likely to fail and breakup” (as cited in Baumeister et al., 2001 paragraph #35). Baumeister’s (2001) study concludes that bad events are so much stronger than good ones that the good must outnumber the bad in order to have a lasting, positive effect on the relationship. For example, daily good interactions between spouses merely maintain the status quo, but if one spouse is unfaithful or something less severe but still negative, that single bad event becomes a catalyst for endless problems, pain, and damage. The damaging effects of one bad occurrence will be farther-reaching than the simple good interactions and events of normal living. This principle is important to understand for a few reasons. First, couples should consciously choose to input positive, good, building interactions into their relationship regularly and randomly, thus making their relationship more resilient against negative events that will assail their marriage. Also, couples that know this principle should recognize that making amends or fixing the bad quickly is vital so that the bad doesn’t overpower or outnumber the good in their relationship.

see references in earlier post

NEUROPHYSIOLOGY OF FAMILY LIFE

ANS defined. Our body naturally reacts to situations we encounter every day using the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). Our brain uses neuroceptors that perceive situations as dangerous or safe and our body reacts accordingly (Porges, 2011).  When our bodies pick up clues like facial expressions, tone of voice, physical characteristics, and other environmental factors, and decide that things are safe, we naturally relax and engage in calm behaviors like conversation or eating. When neuroceptors perceive safety, our Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) engages. This means our RSA (a scale that measures breathing and heart rate) slows and our body prepares for communication. Muscles in the ear relax, pupils dilate, and heart rate decreases in order to enhance communication and bond-forming behaviors like embraces. The PNS is commonly referred to as a “rest and digest” state. When neuroceptors perceive danger, our PNS disengages, and our Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) engages. In other words we have a flight or fight response to situations we subconsciously perceive to be dangerous. This means that the body’s energy goes toward pumping the heart harder so reactions can be stronger and quicker. This reaction is measured by SCL (sweaty palms) levels and PEP (time between heartbeats) levels. Some people also breathe heavily, sweat, shake, or become faint (El-Sheikh & Erath, 2011). If these responses match the reality of the danger of a situation, they do provide protection, but if, however, these responses are irrational or unmerited, they can inhibit positive social behaviors. All of these reactions are based on our bodies’ focus to survive.

Real-life application. These automatic responses influence behavior (communicate, freeze, flee, or fight), which influences family relationships and systems. We can overcome these natural reactions if we cognitively recognize them and choose to override the natural tendencies. For example, if one spouse is stressed and tired, her body is working against her efforts to keep it together and stay calm, then if the husband came home from work and made a critical comment, even if well meant, her blow-up could be attributed to her body’s SNS response, more than to her love for her husband. If she could recognize these symptoms in herself, she could take measures to do something to relax, and if the husband recognized these symptoms in his wife, he would be less hurt by her outburst, and more able to soothe his wife. This is just a little example, but recognizing that all family interactions also affect our bodies can help couples to keep their emotions under control by noticing their body’s responses to situations. When one becomes more conscious of bodily responses to interactions, he or she can control their physical natural reactions by cognitively choosing to think differently about the situation, then let their body calm down too.


see references in earlier post